the constant wabble

Three days in Jakarta had made me think a lot about myself. A not so spiritual retreat has led me to some big decisions for my life. The only thing now is just a hope, that I can do it.

I’ve got to learn to accept full-heartedly some things that i’ve been denying all this time.

Unreal feelings -sad to admit it but it is unreal- that led me to chase my own shadow, pursuing wrong dreams..

A break down, a lightning struck of the foundation of my feelings have lead me to re-evaluate my life in these days.

I have to admit it, I’m not a good person. I’m one of the most hypocritical person I’ve ever met. Sad to admit it but it is true.

Now, I have to reconcile myself, reconcile with God, reconcile with my purpose.

If some people are having their mid-life crisis at about 40, I think I’m having mine now.. or at least I started early.. maybe when I’m 40, another thing will come up and struck me even harder.. but that story will have to wait for another 10+ years.

Goals. A word that I have been neglecting for almost 2 years. I’ve left my goals, I’ve left my ideals, eventually I’ve left my purpose behind me, and this all crises is just a high-cost proof of me loosing it again.

Those unread self development books I own, those motivational wisdom I’ve heard all this time, left me behind just like it has always been in the past. Making me not a better person, but a more and more hypocritical one. They changed my life for sure, but I think I am lack of faithfulness or endurance or even loyalty to my own commitment.

I have to re-model my life, fix things so it can turn into a better shape, leave fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD) behind and start living my dreams, my goals, my true self, however blurry they are now.

It will not satisfy everybody, but at least I’ll be true to myself, my faith, my family and everyone.

A great quote i got today from a banner in the airport: Change is not an option, it’s essential.. I have to prove it. Not for anybody, but for myself, that i can be better than this, I have to learn more and do more, I can be better than the ones that have beaten me in any aspect of (my) life.

Hopefully, this time I really change, just as she requested me to be. How sad, how late, but it must me done, however painful it will be.

My old boss called me this morning, an offer to build a network at Natuna island came up and he wants me on his team. This is a relieving offer, knowing my skill is needed by someone else. Despite my ability to go there or to fulfill the job offer, but knowing that someone still value and want me on their team is enriching my day.

Is it going to be a yes or no? We’ll talk on that later.

BTW, my main blog is down again, MySQL overload (again) i think. I should really move now..